A Friendly Game of Chess
by Dragon92
Summary: All hell breaks loose when Subzero invites Scorpion over to play chess. I suck at sumaries.
1. It Begins

**_The Netherrealm_**

Scorpion speared opened his mailbox and pulled in it's contents, a quiet "get over here" escaping his lips. He quickly scanned his letters.

"Bill," he said, tossing one aside, "Bill. Bill. Bill. What's this!" He pulled out one envelope, dropping the rest. Across it was printed the name Subzero. He quickly tore it open and began reading aloud:

"Dear Scorpion,

I am aware that we haven't exactly gotten along for the past few years due to your trouble with my older brother. I would like to change that. I believe we should settle our differences with a friendly game of chess.

Your long time nemesis

Subzero"

Scorpion dropped the letter and quickly set out for the portal. Along the way he met up with Kira, the near-black dragon member having been slain by Kobra year or so back. He quickly explained the situation and invited her along.

As they neared the gate a large horned figure apeared in front of them. Scorpion immediately recognised it as Lucifer, caretaker of the Netherrealm.

"Where do you to think you're going?" the creature asked.

"Out," said Scorpion, simply.

"Out where?" it said.

"Earthrealm," said Scorpion.

"Ok. But be back by supper."

"Ok, Satan," Kira said.

"And stay away from that Quan Chi kid. That boy is nothing but trouble." Satan waved huge red finger.

"We will, Satan, we will," Scorpion reassured the beast.

"Ok. Goodbye." Satan waved as they past through the portal.

**_Lin Kuei Academy_**

Subzero sat in his office, lecturing Frost on a fight she had gotten into earlier today.

"This is the third time this week," he told her sternly but calmly, "What was it this time?"

"I told you, sifu. That James kid was hitting on me again and I got angry."

"As annoying as flirting boys can get, I find shootingf a ball of ice at his testecles highly uncalled for."

"It worked," Frost argued.

Before Subzero could respond, a knock on the door interrupted them. SubZero rose from his desk. "We will discuss this later." He walked to the door and opened it. Scorpion entered, followed by some red-head who Subzero didn't recognize.

"Hello, Subzero," Scorpion said formally. Then he turned to Frost, "And who is this icy angel."

Seeing the look on Frost's face, Subzero quickly intervened, "Her name is my apprentice Frost. She is off limits because she has to be at least twenty years younger than you."

"Oh," replied Scorpion, "I wouldn't want to do a chick that your icy wang's been in anyway."

"Once," Subzero said angrily, "and I was drunk. So it shouldn't count."

"Alright," Scorpion said finally, "Let's just get this started."

"Ok," Subzero agreed. He pulled a board out of the closet and set it on his desk. In seconds every piece was set up.

Scorpion and Subzero took their seats as Kira and Frost leaned against the wall.

Subzero moved his left Knight in front of his pawns. It had begun.


	2. Help me!

Subzero moved his knight forward and to the left, directly into the path of Scorpion's bishop. Scorpion seemed to brighten and quickly took out the knight.

"Maybe my luck's finally turnin' around." Scorpion smiled.

"Or maybe not," Subzero replied as he captured the bishop with his rook.

Scorpion glared, "You motherf-" A knock on the door interrupted them.

"I wonder who that could be," Subzero said, rising. He opened the door and there stood Lui Kang.

"Subzero!" he said, "I need your help! It's Kitana and I's anniversary and I haven't gotten her a gift!"

"Why can't Kung Lao help you?" Frost asked.

"Kung Lao hasn't been back since he found himself on our trip to america."

**_America:_**

A male stripper danced with his back to Kung Lao as the ex-monk placed a dollar bill in his G-string, closing it with a snap. The man turned and began dancing in front of him.

_**Lin Kuei Academy:**_

"What do you need me to do?" Subzero asked.

"I don't know," Lui Kang answered. "All I do know is that if Kitana finds out that I forgot our anniversery, she'll stick a steel fan so far up my ass it'll come out my mouth."

"That doesn't sound so bad," Kira said.

Lui Kang shot her a confused look before turning back to Subzero.

"Why don't you buy her some perfume," Scorpion suggested, "Chicks love perfume."

"You act like there's no women here," Frost said.

"Oh right. Sorry Subzero. I know girls like you don't like being called chicks."

Subzero flipped Scorpion the bird before turning back to Lui. "Despite being a total dickweed, Scorpion is right. We should go to the perfume store."

"We?" Scorpion repeated, "What do you mean we? The Red Sox game is on in ten minutes."

"You get American TV channels in the Netherrealm?" Subzero asked.

"Yes," Scorion said simply, "Why?"

"Nothing," said Subzero, "You still have to go."

"Why?" Scorpion whined.

"Because I don't trust an undead ninja spectre to be alone in the Lin Kuei academy with the students I'm supposed to be responsible for," Subzero answered matter-of-factly.

"How can I be alone if there are students with me," Scorpion said.

"You know what I mean." Subzero's voice started rising.

"Trust me, Subzero," Kira added, "When the Red Sox are playing, Scorpion's about as active as Richard Simmons at strip bar."

"Can we please get going," Liu interrupted them.

"I thought monks were tought to be patient," Frost replied coolly.

"Marriage undid all my emotional training," Lui explained quickly, "Now let's go!"

"But the Red Sox-" Scorpion started before Frost shot a beam of ice into his mouth.

"Thank you," said Kira as they exited the room, a sad looking scorpion in tow.


	3. A Lesson To Be Learned

**_The Perfume Department_**

**_"_**Lui Kang," said Frost, "do you know what perfumes Kitana likes?"

"No," Liu said simply.

"Do you know any smells she particularly enjoys?" Subzero asked.

"None at all," replied Liu, still oblivious as to how this could be a problem.

"Do you know anything at all about what goes on in Kitana's head?" Kira questioned.

"I know where she's ticklish," said Liu.

"Uh, T.M.I., Liu," Kira said. Lui gave her a confused look and, she sighed and said, "It means to much imformation, idiot."

"Well sorry if I'm not up to date on my netspeak," Liu shot back, "I don't own a computer, afterall."

Scorpion tried to laugh, nearly tearing his lips off. He fell to his knees, holding his jaw.

"You know that really shouldn't hurt him to much," Frost noted, "being a spectre an' all."

"When the elder gods made him their champion, they restored his mortal body," said Kira.

"He failed in his mission," she continued, "so they stripped him of his godly power. But he got the consolation prize, a new body."

"So now he's a mortal?" Frost asked.

"Not really," Kira replied, "He's still bound to the netherrealm. He can't leave without the permission of a god. And his head is still a flaming skull under his mask. But he can feel. And do a few other things he couldn't do as a skeleton." Kira smiled mischievously.

"How did you get Scorpion across the gate, Subzero?" Liu asked.

"I did some stuff for Fujin," Subzero mumbled.

"What stuff?" asked Frost.

"It's complicated," he said, obviously not wanting to talk about the task.

**_Heaven_**

Fujin sat on his small bed. He pulled a small pair of blue panties from his pocket. He sniffed them, a ripple going through his body. A huge smile split his face as he looked at the word etched across the back of the garment: Frost. He smiled wider and unzipped his pants.

**_Back in China or maybe Japan. I'm not really sure_**

While the others talked, Scorpion managed to crack the large icy shield over his mouth with the use of his spear. He rubbed his lower jaw until the feeling returned.

"Final-" he stopped as Frost shot another beam of ice at his mouth, sealing it shut again. Scorpion sat down and began to sob. Fortunately, Subzero believed Scorpion had had enough suffering, and he helped Scorpion to remove the ice mask.

"Maybe perfume isn't a good idea," Scorpion said, "We should check out Wal-Mart."

"I think there's one down the street," said Subzero.

"Alright. Let's go!" Liu walked towards a purple Gremlin.

"Liu, that's not our car-" Subzero began.

"Too late", Scorpion said. Darrius walked out of the car, his foot going directly under Liu's.

"I don't know what confuses me more," Frost yelled over the loud snaps and screams, " The Mortal Kombat Champion getting the shit beat out of him by some Orderrealm rebel, or the that said Orderrealm rebel drives a gremlin."

"You'd be amazed at what a black man can do when you scratch his Nikes," Kira answered bluntly.


	4. Welcome To WalMart

_**Wal-Mart**_

"Hello," Goro said to the customer before him, "Welcome to Wal-mart."

"Oh my God!" the customer shouted, running as fast as he could out of the store.

Goro waved his fists at the ceiling, "It never fucking works!" he declared loudly.

"Hello there," said a little old lady standing before him.

"Fuck you," Goro shouted, grabbing the small woman's waist with his lower arms and her shoulders with his upper ones. He pulled, splitting the old lady in two.

"Fatality!" a voice shouted from the ceiling.

"Who the fuck said that!" Goro shouted at the ceiling.

"Goro," said another, more feminine voice in front of him. He looked down to see Tanya, another employee. "The manager wants to see you."

"Alright," said Goro, trying to calm himself down.

He walked across the store to his manager's office.

"Hello," said Ermac.

"Hi," Goro replied.

"Goro, we are worried about your-" Ermac began.

"Who are 'we'?" Goro asked.

"We are Ermac," Ermac answered.

"But there's only one of you," Goro said.

"Forget it." Ermac raised his voice slightly at the incompetent employee. "Anyway, we are worried about your, well, actions here."

"What actions," said Goro.

"You ripped a customer in half earlier," Ermac said, his voice raising even more.

"So?" said Goro.

"So?!" Ermac was shouting now. "So?! Goro, that's against the law. That was your last chance Goro. I'm going to have to let you go."

"What?" Goro said.

"Pink Slip," the same voice shouted from the ceiling.

"Fuck you!" Goro pointed upward. "And you!" he pointed down at Ermac," I have a family to take care of. Do you know how badly my seven wives are gonna ride my ass."

"Fine," said Ermac, "but one more screw up and your out of here."

"Thank you," Goro said before leaving the room. "My shift just ended, so I'm gonna get going."

As Goro ducked under the automatic door and left the store, he spotted Subzero and his group.

"Hey Goro!" Subzero called as they walked by.

"How you doin', man?" Scorpion asked.

"Not so good," Goro answered. "My boss has been really pissed at me lately."

"What you do to make him so mad?" Lui asked, curiously.

"Nothin' to bad. You know, coming to work late. Shoplifting. Tearing apart customers. The usual, you know." He looked

curiously as they stared at him.

"Right," said Kira after a while,"let's go inside."

They set off to find the anniversery present.


	5. You Can Find It At WalMart

A/N:Sorry the last chapter was a little short.

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As they entered the store, Lui asked, "Are you sure we'll find her present here?"

"Of course Lui," Kira replied, "you can find anything at Wal-Mart."

Just then, an announcment came over the speaker, "Attention. There's been a damp stray cat and mixed animal semen spill in aisle three. Clean up in aisle three."

"Son of a bitch," said a janitor, "That's the fourth time this week!"

"And one more thing, customers," the speaker continued, "I'm not wearing any panties. That is all."

"Hey Scorpion," Subzero said as they began walking again, "I didn't think there were any Wal-Marts in China."

"Yeah. I've been wondering about that since I saw this place on the drive to the perfume department," Scorpion tapped his jaw a little in thought.

"And you know what else," Subzero continued. "When Lui first asked us for help, he didn't seem at all suprised to see you back from the Netherrealm."

"Yeah, I noticed that," said Scorpion, "but I had just assumed that you had told Lui prior to all these events.

Suddenly, a black ninja jumped out at them. "No one must know!" he said as he quickly cracked Scorpion's neck. He then slammed a smoke bomb into the ground, dissapearing before it faded."

"Damn it," Scorpion said as he rose back up, rubbing his neck.

"What the hell was that!" Lui shouted, "how did he dissapear? And how did you survive that."

"Lui," Subzero said, "You and Scorpion both have power over fire, Frost and I have can control ice, Kira can spray poison gas from her lips, and we just had a small conversation with a four armed giant who works at Wal-Mart. Don't worry about the disappearance trick. And as for Scorpion surviving a broken neck. Well he's gone through much worse than that, including but not limited to: having his spine ripped out by yours truly, having his face smashed with a tomahawka strange indian shaman, being decapitated by the flying hat of a sexually confused young asian man, and having his legs frozen and shattered by my rebelious aprentice."

"Good point," Lui said.

"Do you think Kitana would like some new earrings, Lui?" Frost asked.

"Maybe she'd like some chinese foot ribbons to make her feet smaller so she can stand closer to the stove-" Scorpion said. Frost gave him a quick jab to the adam's apple before he could continue.

Scorpion coughed. "That was unnecesary," he stated hoarsly, rubbing his neck.

"I've got it!" said Kira.

"What have you got?" Lui asked.

"Crabs?" Scorpion suggested.

"No, I fixed that," Kira answered.

"What then," said Frost.

"You should bake her a cake," Kira said.

"Ok," said Lui, "but I don't know how to bake."

"We'll help you," said Frost.

"You mean _you'll_ help him," Scorpion interupted, "Me and Subzero have to continue our game."

"Yeah," said Subzero, "We'll come pick you guys up later."

"Alright. Bye," said Frost, "Come on Lui. All the supplies we need should be here."

"We should get going, too," Scorpion spoke as he turned. Subzero followed, and soon both men were outside, unknowingly watched bye a strange indian man.


	6. Dognap

"Subzero!" a voice shouted from the other side of the parking lot. Subzero turned to see Nightwolf running towards them. He bent down and started panting when he reached them. "Subzero," he repeated, "Subzero, I need you're help. Someone's kidnapped Kiva."

"When did I become everyone's servant? Go ask Raiden or something," Subzero answered.

"I did ask Raiden," said Nightwolf, "He said he had important god business to attend to."

_**America**_

The male stripper's dance intensified, and soon his eyes began to glow. Kung Lao stared in disbelief as he recognised the thunder god, Raiden.

_**Wal-Mart's Parking Lot**_

"Fine," said Subzero, "Where was the last place you saw Kiva."

"Well," Nightwolf began, "I was on my way home from the casino, when I decided to get some food at Pet Smart."

"Wait," Scorpion interupted, "don't you mean Pet's Mart."

"No," Nightwolf answered, "Why would they call it Pet's Mart? It's Pet Smart because it's a smart place to shop for pets."

"No. It's a mart, like Wal-Mart and K-Mart?" Scorpion said.

"Then how come it's not hiphenated," Nightwolf shot back.

"Would you both shut up!" Subzero yelled. When the two were quiet, he said, "Now please continue Nightwolf."

"Ok," the shaman continued, "I was at Pet_ Smart_ to buy food."

"For Kiva?" Subzero asked.

"No," Nightwolf answered sarcastically, "for me. So anyway, I was at Pet Smart, and Kiva was waiting outside since apparently I'm not allowed to bring my pet wolf into a Pet Store. But when I came out, Kiva's leesh was cut and he was gone, and all that was left was this note."

Dear Nightwolf,

If you ever want to see Kiva agian leave three-hundred thousand dollars in the trash kan outside your kasino by seven a'klock.

Signed Ba(there was a scribble over the rest of the name here)

"Ok," said Subzero, "Well apparently, whoever we're dealing doesn't know about the letter C. There name also begins with a B-A."

"What time is it," Nighwolf asked."

"I don't know," said Subzero, "I think it's around five or something. Oh, we should ask those two midgets wearing cloaks over there."

As the trio aproached, they could here the two midgets bicker.

"Oh, that was a great shortcut Sam!" one of the midgets said sarcastically, "Now we're trapped in some B-fanfic by a dumbass teenager!"

"I love you, Mr. Frodo," the other midget, Sam said quietly.

"What?" the first midget, Mr. Frodo asked.

"Nothing!" Sam said.

"Right," Frodo answered, turning away.

"Hey," Subzero said as he aproached them, "do you guys know what time it is."

"No," said Mr. Frodo, "But could you please help us-" he was interrupted by a shout of "Hellfire!". The midget turned to see his companion burst into flames as Scorpion laughed maniacally.

Frodo turned and attempted to run, but found himself impaled on Scorpion's spear. The midget was pulled in close to the yellow ninja, and was quickly decapitated by his katana.

"What the hell!?" Nightwolf yelled, deeply confused.

"Fuck midgets!" Scorpion shouted at the shaman, "Now let's get to your casino!"

"Wait," said Nightwolf, "Both of your swords are still sheethed. Where did that katana come from?"

Scorpion caughed and said, "Look, someone didn't use all of the parts of that animal!" Nightwolf turned and didn't see anything. He turned back, and Scorpion's katana was gone.

"How did you-" he started.

"Let's get going," Scorpion said and walked towards the car.


	7. Coffee Shop

"So where is your casino, Nightwolf," Subzero asked as he pulled out of his parking spot.

"Carson City, Nevada," Nightwolf answered.

"America!?" Subzero yelled, "How the hell do you expect us to get there? And how the hell did you get here?"

"I found a portal just outside of Carson that leads to China," Nightwolf answred.

"That's oddly conviennant," Scorpion stated.

"So where is it?" Subzero asked.

"Well you just..." Nightwolf began.

A half hour later, the car had passed through the portal. Nightwolf pulled something out of his pocket. "What's that?" Scorpion asked.

Nightwolf opened his hand, revealing a small pipe. "This is a peace pipe," he explained, pulling a small paper bag from another pocket, "And right now, I could really use some peace." He poured some of the bag's contents into the pipe. "Can you light me?" he asked, aiming the pipe at Scorpion.

"Sure," Scorpion answered, reaching forward to light the pipe.

Nightwolf quickly buckled his seatbelt as he pressed the tip of the pipe against his lip. Before Scorpion could ask, he explained, "This batch is contains shrooms, so I may start to see demons and monsters that aren't there and hear voices in my head and other crazy shit."

"Hearing voices in your head isn't really crazy," Scorpion said, "hearing voices in your feet. Now that would be crazy. Also, I thought you were trying to relax. I don't know about you, but I ussually get pretty riled up when I see demons and monsters."

"Well," Nightwolf began, "You only see things like that if you think that your trip will be bad or if your really angry. But if your happy and think the trip will be good, you'll see grass that changes color and flying pink elephants. Oh and before this thing really sets in, I'd like to ask why Subzero has been quiet this whole time."

"Oh," Scorpion answered, "well, when he gets stressed, he puts on head-phones and blasts 'Build Me Up, Buttercup' to calm himself down. He probably hasn't heard a single word we've spoken."

"Oh," said Nightwolf, "thanks, Mr. Bomb-Shitting Penguin."

As if on cue, Subzero began to sing:

"Why do you build me up, Bulid me up,

Buttercup, baby just to let me down, Let me down,

And mess me around,

And then worst of all, worst of all

You never call baby,

When you say you will, say you will,

But I love you still,

I need you, I need you,

More than anyone, darlin',

You know that I have from the start,

So build me up, Buttercup,

Don't break my heart!"

"I love that song," he commented, turning off his headphones, "Hey, there's a coffee shop over there, you want to go?"

"Sure," said Scorpion, "But your buying."

"Alright," Subzero agreed, not wanting to argue, as he pulled in, "You want anything Nightwolf?" The stoned Native simply stared at Subzero, before bursting out in hysterical laughter.

"What's wrong with him?" Subzero asked as he parked. Scorpion shrugged, but as Subzero stepped out of his car, the ninja spectre turned and snatched the small paper bag from the giggling Nightwolf.

The two walked into the Coffee shop, and approached the clerk, a greenish man with rough skin and a ninja-like mask covering the lower half of his face. "What can I get you, gentlemen," he hissed.

"Don't I know you from somewhere," Scorpion said, leaning in towards the green man.

"I was never a sorcerer's bodyguard, I mean...uhh," the man caughed.

"Whatever," said Subzero, "Um, I'll have a grande mocachino, extra sugar."

"I'm not really in the mood for coffee," Scorpion stated, "I'll just have a cinnamon bun."

"That comes to..." the coffee clerk pressed a few bottons on the cash register, "$3.75." Subzero paid the man. He quickly set about fufilling thier orders. In a few seconds he handed them thier food.

As the two men headed for the exit, the door opened before them and Subzero was slammed against a large and masculant raptor-like creature.

"Reptile!" he shouted, "come out, and face your destiny!"

The clerk behind the counter quickly launched himself over it, unseething a large, curved blade. "Riptor of Killer Instinct!" he yelled, "I accept your challenge! For all know there can be only one reptile based fighting character!"

Riptor charged, drawing a long kitana. The two lizard-men faught, and Reptile quickly disarmed the raptor-mutant. He sliced into Riptors knee, forcing him into a crouched position, and, with a yell of "There can be only one!" decapitated the poor creature.

"Ok," Subzero said, "Hey Scorpion, I really gotta piss. Could you hold my coffee." He handed the cup to Scorpion and ran to the bathroom.

Scorpion laughed to himself as he set down the cup. He pulled the small paper bag out of his pocket, and poured some of it's contents into Subzero's drink. Subzero walked out of the bathroom and Scorpion quickly recapped the, stuffing the bag back in his pocket.

"Alright," Subzero said, taking back his drink, "Let's get going." The two men walked towards the door.

"Come back soon," Reptile called after them. Sudenly, he felt a scaly forearm wrap around his throat and pull him into a headlock. He looked up, into the cold red eyes of Soul Calibur's LIzard man.


End file.
